1. Walk into a crowded, posh Notting Hill public house wearing your FLUORESCENT cycling jacket, your helmet tucked under your arm and your face red and sweaty from a five-mile cycle.
2. Push through the crowds looking for a seat. Be sure to take in the whole establishment so that every single punter can look at you at least once in that kind of up-and-down way that makes you feel oh-so comfortable and at ease and totally welcome – not.
3. Stand by the bar and take off your jacket to reveal the cosy BRIGHT RED fleece you’re wearing underneath while all the groovy fashionistas that comprise the Notting Hill set stare at you like you’re COMPLETELY NAKED!
4. Order a small beer and drink it with your two (non-cycling) companions. Then put the FLUORESCENT cycling jacket back on and wear it for a just a fraction longer than fashion dictates acceptable while you make your extended farewells.
5. Leave the same way you entered – and wait for the gossip to start as soon as you leave the building. Who knows, maybe it’ll start a new fashion trend! Hugh Grant would look pretty cute in a yellow cycling jacket, don’t you think?